Another Parent Mourns a Child

Is there an epidemic of dying among our twenty-somethings?

I saw my friend’s name pop onto my phone screen as the ring echoed through the leafless neighborhood. “You caught me multi-tasking,” I quipped before I said hello. “I’ve got my blue tooth connected. I’m pushing the cat in a stroller and walking the dog. Can you believe it’s 57 F in the middle of winter?!”

She chuckled softly to acknowledge the goofiness of my greeting.

“I’m calling with some very sad news,” she interjected as I stood under the sprawling limbs of a massive oak. Through her somber tone that was rapidly dissolving my spring-like mood, I learned of the sudden, unexpected, terribly shocking death of a vibrant young woman. Cause currently unknown.

It was the fourth call in 15 months where I learned of a twenty-something kid I knew leaving this world too soon.  The reasons varied. None will provide comfort. My friends are struggling for breath through tsunamis of grief. Large waves of their own loss crash into their kids’ tumult, their spouses struggles, and a new awkwardness among family and friends.

Many years ago, a friend lost his spouse to cancer. His two boys became unmoored by a life with no mom. My friend’s mantra became, “Don’t go to bed angry, and be sure to hug your family every day.” It was born from worry that he hadn’t been generous enough with his love.

Another friend, a doer, asked me of the recent death, “What should we do?”

I thought of my friend whose spouse died too young. A year into grieving, he shared more sage advice, “Be available when the crowds no longer gather and your friend finally accepts your company. Sit with them in the unease. Say nothing. Let them hear your heart and feel the strength of your arm around their shoulder or hand in hand. This is a dance that only the griever can lead.”

If you are struggling with loss, please get help. If you know someone struggling with loss, help them get help.

Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. 988 is the telephone number to speak directly to an individual for 24/7, confidential help. 988 can also be used via text to connect to assistance. 988lifeline.org is the official website with many resources and a chat function.

Online help. Grieving can feel like a lonely journey until one realizes how many people are on a similar path. Social media, websites, and podcasts can be very helpful for a griever as a first step. I found The Good Mourning podcast through a link from a discussion group on Instagram. I particularly liked season 7, episode 97, “Grief, Relationships and Boundaries with Eleanor Haley and Litsa Williams” (of the long-running website What’s Your Grief). The four women engaged in an enlightening conversation on the spectrum of grief and the many different grieving styles.

Grief ministries. Many churches and religious organizations offer individual and group support to local community members, not just church members. They are often guided by individuals trained in grief counseling and are typically free or low-cost. The online resource, GriefShare, has a search function to locate in-person meetings around the U.S.

Pet loss grief. Episodes of grief are often initiated by triggers. The death of someone you know may be one such trigger that elevates memories and emotions tied to the loss of a pet. Thankfully, there are many resources to guide people through pet-related grief. The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement is a website with a host of support resources, including a chat room, video support groups, and a list of pet loss grief counselors. The Pets Are Family Podcast episode “Understanding Pet Loss and Grief with Dr. Nancy Curotto” offered insight into the people-pet bond and impact of loss. On Instagram, @petlossdoctor is a site managed by clinical psychologist Dr. Katie Lawlor who provides inspiration, community, and resources.

Grief for caregivers. Caregivers – medical, veterinary, elder care, long-term care, mental health – often encounter anticipatory, ambiguous, and bereavement types of grieving related to patients and their family members. Professional organizations often offer resources to help members address mental health challenges related to caregiving. If you can’t find what you are looking for from your professional association, search through social media. Many individuals and their professional friends are pooling ideas and resources to help others in their profession. I follow Veterinary Mental Health Initiative (VMHI) on Instagram. Not One More Vet also provides peer support, financial grants, resources, and services to veterinary professionals.

To all of you grieving the loss of a child, I extend my heartfelt condolences.

Please excuse me while I go hug my pets and call my kids.