Is This the Face of a Loser?

(All photos courtesy of Bob and Mary Molenda)

What is your go-to book for relationship advice? To whom do you turn for dog or cat behavior training? I have one book to recommend for both. It’s the New York Times Bestseller, Good Inside, by Dr. Becky Kennedy. While it came out a few years too late to help me raise my kids, it has become the focal point of my impromptu book club with my husband. At it’s core are a host of clear messages to make all relationships – human and otherwise – stronger.

I say “otherwise” because Dr. Kennedy’s philosophies are often relevant when caring for pets, partners, and teens, not just young children as featured in her book.

I’ll use the example of Brutus and Finnegan, two Labrador Retrievers, and the “expectations” for each. Brutus was a larger-than-life story maker. His love of a frisbee rivaled his love of food. Turn your head for a moment and Brutus would lick clean every plate on the table, scarf every morsel from a counter, and vacuum contents out of garbage cans, all with a look of innocence and a bark, “Who me?!”

Finnegan was welcomed into Bob and Mary’s home after Brutus died. As second child, he had “big shoes to fill.” His family thought he’d be a determined dog of high-spirit and athletic ability. He was a Lab after all!

Finnegan was nothing of the sort. His lineage was show-dog. His attitude, “I’m a pretty boy. I don’t get my paws dirty.” Ball-playing, frisbee-catching, fight-a-mountain-lion-to-the-death was not coded into his DNA like it had been with Brutus.

Bob became frustrated trying to train Finnegan like he had Brutus. A wise trainer intervened. He told Bob that every dog has a purpose. It was Bob’s job to find Finnegan’s. Bob adjusted his attitude and expectations and set out on a journey to provide Finnegan with a variety of opportunities to reveal his true self. Finnegan rose to the challenge, becoming a much-loved therapy dog. His service to the community earned him an induction into the Minnesota Veterinary Medical Association Animal Hall of Fame.

I’m certain Bob did not label Finnegan as “bad,” but it’s not uncommon for people and pets to be labeled “bad” or “loser.” In fact, last night at the pet food shelf where I volunteer, I heard several frustrated people use those terms, plus the word “naughty,” to describe dogs that bark, dogs that lunge, cats who bite, unaltered male cats and dogs that mark on walls, unaltered females who become pregnant when let outside…

These comments aren’t unique to the visitors of the pet food shelf. The internet is awash with dog trainers and cat behaviorists offering their services to those struggling with animal antics that aren’t welcome in a human world. “Bad” pets are often surrendered to shelters. Some are even booted out the door. (There will be more to come on that topic. We fostered many abandoned pets through the decades.)

On page 4 of the book Good Inside, Dr. Kennedy challenges parents to adopt a perspective that “we’re all good inside.” It allows one to separate the person from the behavior – differentiating between who one is from what one does “is key to creating interventions that preserve your relationship while also leading to impactful change.” Rather than look at the person as bad, consider instead what the behavior might indicate they need.

Bob’s trainer guided him through a similar way of thinking with Finnegan, experimenting with different approaches to determine who Finnegan was if he wasn’t a high-spirited Lab. Loving people was Finnegan’s gift to the world. Loving Finnegan for who he was became Bob’s gift to Finnegan. An attitude adjustment and successful training resulted in a deep and lasting bond between person and pet.

My husband and I have been discussing the messages from Good Inside as a way to reflect upon our successes and missteps in raising our kids. Our goal is to apply lessons learned from the past to our relationships with them as adults.

If you are struggling with child, teen, pet or partner relationships, get yourself a copy of Good Inside. The information is easy to follow. The suggestions equally so. The book will help you to help the people and pets in your life access their internal goodness while strengthening your relationship along the way.

1.       Colder weather means careful attention to combustion appliances to prevent carbon monoxide (CO) poisoning. (I was trying to get as many words that begin with “c” in one sentence!) CO is produced when fuel (natural gas, wood, petroleum, propane) is burned. This includes fuel used in cars or trucks, cooktops and ovens, clothes dryers, lanterns, generators, furnaces, fireplaces, stoves, and water heaters. When CO builds up indoors, it can poison, and kill, people and animals who breathe it. Visit the Center for Disease Control to understand your risks and how to reduce them.

2.       The salad spinner has been returned to the corner cabinet. The grill is clean and covered. It’s time for soup season! I have my family-favorite, go-to recipes, but lately I’ve been craving something new. A bit of surfing on Substack led me to the smitten kitchen digest with notes, updates and seasonal cooking suggestions. The October issue must have been written for me. It’s all about soup, including a recipe for the cauliflower that’s been calling my name from the refrigerator!

3.       Need a suggestion for family movie night? Frybread Face and Me is a heartfelt account of two Navajo cousins from different worlds who bond during a summer on their grandmother’s Arizona ranch. Whereas Hollywood often leans on violence and vulgarity, Frybread Face and Me elevates the power of kindness in a cruel world. Kudos to young actors Keir Tallman and Charley Hogan. Their bit in the Netflix trailer drew me in and didn’t disappoint.

4.       An aged Pekinese named Fauci? City dogs named Lambeau? Companies sponsoring dogs so their corporate names are spoken in public? A few good laughs abound when one considers the absurdities of naming dogs. Check out What your dog’s name says about you by James Lileks of the StarTribune.

5.       Looking for gift ideas for the dog-crazy people on your list? Check out the extensive options on the Who Will Let the Dogs Out? shop site. Who Will Let the Dogs Out?, or WWLDO (think “Waldo”), is a non-profit organizations working to “raise awareness and resources for homeless dogs and the heroes who fight for them.” I believe in their belief that “awareness brings change!”

6.       Warm up your printer. Make a mug of hot cocoa. Top with a fresh marshmallow. Print a cat-themed coloring page by My Cat Loves Me. Point your chair and feet towards the fireplace. Add a set of colorful markers. Relax. It’s time to meditate through art.

I bet I exclaimed Wow! more than twenty times while listening to this interview with 16-year-old entrepreneur Ava on the Pets are Family Podcast. She created a business plan for Ava’s Pet Palace when she was six, began crafting dog treats at eight, and now balances school, friends, a booming business with products in over 400 retail locations, and a “mission to create a healthier world for pets, people, and our planet.” Did I mention her on-screen presence? This girl rocks! Ava and her parents exemplify what kids can accomplish with the support of people who believe in them.  

Pets are Family Podcast