Is Your Painful Past Impacting Your Teens & Pets?
How revisiting your adolescent journey may improve your relationships.
My neighbor Gracie, with bouncing blond curls and cherub cheeks, peered longingly at Wrigley, an all-golden Puggle that looked neither pug nor beagle with enormous puppy dog eyes. “Cindy, can I pet your dog?” she uttered with an almost inaudible peep. When I gave her the go-ahead, she gingerly walked forward and stretched her tiny, kindergarten hand towards Wrigley. She was no closer than ten feet when he decided it was his decision, not mine, to meet her. In the blink of an eye, Wrigley backed away from the taut leash, rolled his shoulders forward with head down, and slid free of his harness, sprinting away from Gracie as if she were a stalking wolf. Had it not been for a neighbor on a walk and in his path, our foster dog would have been gone.
Wrigley’s fear of humans reminded me of our family’s visits with the roly-poly Honeybun. She was Dr. Steve’s fuzzy sidekick pony at his equine assisted psychotherapy practice. Dr. Steve used Honeybun as a prop in the paddock. If the patient (one of us) maintained control during tough conversations, Honeybun would nuzzle our hands for a treat. Emotions that inched beyond the “control zone” triggered Honeybun’s flight response. She’d retreat to a far corner with ears twitching and nose snuffling. Behind her coy disinterest, she stood guard. As soon as she sensed calm and safety, she’d stroll back for a treat.
Both dogs and horses need to know they are in the capable hands of a human before they give their trust. Their keen sensitivity to human emotions enables them to serve as harbingers of trouble. I often used our dogs’ intuitiveness, and resultant behaviors, to assess the mood in our home.
Margo used to wrap herself around the toilet whenever tensions rose. Sierra wedged herself under the bed. Snuka hid in the bathtub. Lizzie cowered in her crate. Rascal flattened himself against my feet.
These behaviors forced me to reflect. What was happening in our home to make the dogs react? I could’ve easily blamed the problems on my teens and often did! But honest reflection aided by psychotherapy also pointed the arrow of responsibility to me.
We’d been a close family when our kids were young, back when Joe and I were the keepers of activities, timelines, safety, and health. The onset of the teen years brought change for which we weren’t prepared. Yes, we encountered the typical tumult of adolescent brains rewiring for a life of independence, but a boat load of repressed emotions from my own past bubbled in the pot.
I’d not given much thought to my coming of age journey until my children moved towards the label of “young adults.” My adolescence had been a time period for which I got through. On the other side were new challenges that required living in the moment. My teenage struggles became a thing of the past, or so I thought.
While there are a growing number of books designed to help parents raise teens in today’s culture, there is an expanding emphasis on the emotional trauma parents experienced when they were young and its impacts on the current generation of teens.
Just because one gets “through” something, doesn’t mean they did it well. Parents may need their own support process to heal their past before they can be effective role models at home.
I’m thankful for my kids’ journey through their teen years. It gave me the opportunity to address the traumas of my past, to learn how to keep my emotions in the control zone, reset the view I had of myself, and to use the lessons learned to improve my parenting. The greatest outcome of my personal shift was the reconnection we experienced as a family.
We also became better collaborators in our efforts to help traumatized foster pets. My kids are thriving and Wrigley is, too. He found a forever home with a supportive family and greets all people, including kindergarteners, with zeal.
6 Things to Share with You
1. I learned a great deal from listening to this interview on Breaking the Cycle of Toxic Parenting with Cari Fund on the Parenting Teens podcast with Dr. Cam
2. Sarah Ockwell-Smith shares the acronym “Be the adult” in her Gentle Parenting newsletter with each letter providing a tip for better parenting during escalated situations.
3. If you grew up in a family that elevated independence over dependence, read “It’s Time for You to Unlearn the Myth That You are Independent” by Kate Lynch. It’s a helpful reminder that we live in a connected world and that no one person can provide everything they need to survive.
4. In Lisa Damour’s book Under Pressure, Chapter 6, “Girls in the Culture,” looks at the role culture plays in our expectations for girls, including how home culture bleeds into work culture to continue the stereotypes. Damour’s style is to leave the reader with plenty of tools in the toolkit to combat how we think as parents and how to help our girls.
5. Damour gives equal time to teen boys in this article “Boys are suffering too. Here’s how we miss that.”
6. Readers of Like People, Like Pets also enjoyed reading
I bet you know a parent or two that could use a little help as they navigate their teen’s years. Please share!
Dr. Becky Kennedy writes repeatedly in her book, Good Inside, "It's never too late." Your article is such a wonderful reminder of that. It's never too late to heal. It's never too late to try something new. It's never too late to reflect.
Hurt people hurt people.
Thank you!