Sibling Isn't the Only Rivalry
Kate was mashing potatoes for the holiday crowd gathered in the basement when Biscuit let out a series of woofs that rattled the patio door from the tenor. The pane of glass glistened with spittle. “Biscuit quiet!” pleaded Kate. Two black marbles nestled in a crown of root beer curls gave a side-eyed glance, “Who me?”
At my feet, Jewel stirred from slumber. Daintier and much more refined in temperament than her newish sibling, she peered at me with discontent. I knew that look well. My daughter, Anna, wished for her baby sister to be returned to the hospital when the shine on their young relationship tarnished.
As Kate moved her attention to a pan of turkey gravy, a distant memory bubbled in my mind. At the front of a beige-painted room cast in gray from cheap fluorescent lighting stood the parenting instructor leading our community education class
She held a colorful wood model of a strand of DNA. Her pointed finger gently pushed one side of the coil to set it spinning slowly. The other arm raised it to eye level. She told us how our life with two kids would be like the rotating helix with each strand representing the path of one kid.
Speaking in a voice like warm bathwater, she stopped the strand when the red dot of the left strand, representing child one, aligned with the orange dot on the right strand, representing child two. Alignment. Calm. No fighting. Warm, fuzzy love like a big, bear hug.
She nudged the strand of DNA until it began twisting, tension growing in her tone like the tightening of a guitar string. To our still eyes the dots appeared to move independent of each other. Unalignment. Discord. Kids pushing, biting, taunting. Our nerves in fray.
She paused the double helix when red and orange realigned, demonstrating how life with two children would oscillate between agitation and harmony, exhaustion and love.
Dots weren’t aligning for Jewel the day of the party. As I kneeled to rub her belly, Kate acknowledged the strife. “Most days, Jewel snubs her nose at Biscuit, barely paying him attention. Perhaps it’s their age difference. Perhaps it’s his energetic personality. He persists because he’s all about the snuggle. Tonight when she’s exhausted from today’s activity, she’ll let him nestle his bigger Doodle body to hers.”
Our family had front row seats to similar animal drama when we brought home dogs and cats in need of fostering. Our resident pets at times became more needy, occasionally digressed in their house training skills, and exhibited animal behaviors we’d never witnessed – yowling, marking, mounting. They expressed dissatisfaction and frustration at life’s disruptions much the same as toddler Anna.
Sometimes we were the source of the drama. My kids discontentment often surfaced when animal care chores increased, interfering with their teenage lives. My husband had his moments of frustration when an animal’s needs usurped my time with him. I wasn’t always the patient parent or spouse when my requests for help were met with tepid responses.
When I reflect on lessons learned raising kids, participating in a marriage, and fostering animals, one key concept rises to the surface. Better communication makes for better change. (Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?!)
Clear communication proved critical for positive engagement with my kids and spouse. They appreciated knowing why a change was happening and what their role was expected to be. They felt heard when invited to partake in the decision making process. Our pets also benefitted when “told” of a plan. They thrived on the attention and connection, even if they had no clue what I was saying.
“Setting reasonable expectations” became vital prior to any big change. We all needed to remember that rivalry and discontent (between kids and pets, pets and pets, kids and parents, and spouses) were likely to happen, both could persist throughout the relationship, but neither had to define it. Many parents in our community ed class would probably concur. I’d heard stories of sibling rivalries that eventually evolved into lasting friendships. Our resident pets usually became friendly with our foster dogs. My husband and I experienced a richer life because of our kids and the animals who called our’s home.
Kate stopped stirring the gravy, walked over to Jewel, looked her in the eyes, and talked to her reassuringly. It was a natural gesture for a doting mother who’d been through many oscillations of harmony and discord with kids who were born siblings and pets forced into the role. Kate knew change wasn’t easy but hard work and communication would eventually yield a love that aligns.
1. There’s a secret club of people who only admit to other members that the loss of a pet is harder to navigate than the loss of a human companion. Whether or not your grief is that deep is not the focus here. Finding help to navigate your grief is. Navigating Pet Loss During the Holiday Season hosted by Charlotte Bayne for The Baroo podcast addresses the added burden of managing grief during a time when others expect you to be joyful.
2. Do you avoid parties and gatherings due to anxiety of having nothing witty to say? While the fear of public speaking tops the list of activities many view as worse than death, I bet the fear of making small talk is runner up! Just in time for New Year’s gatherings is a cheat sheet from ADDitude Magazine that will help you start and sustain interesting conversations! 8 Ways to Get Better at Small Talk
3. Do you have a middle-grade kid in your life? The multi-award-winning book, Wildoak, by C.C. Harrington makes a wonderful gift and a perfect read-along to explore the interconnectedness of the human, animal, and naturals worlds. I read this novel cover to cover without interruption as the intelligent protagonist with a disability raced about the countryside to keep a mysterious snow leopard alive.
4. Got a senior dog? Get Lisa Rimmert’s free guide 10 Ways to Celebrate Your Senior Dog with big and small tips on how to add more affection, adventure, learning and memories into your relationship. Lisa is the award-winning author of Stay: My Forever Friendship with an Aging Dog.
5. People singing Auld Lang Syne makes me weepy. I’m glad I happened upon Morgan Harper Nichols. She is both creative writer and artist sharing inspirational messages to make the world brighter. Perusing her Instagram account is a peaceful meditation.
6. Way back in a career when I styled food for cookbooks and commercials, I made a rolled omelet for a photo shoot. I was so impressed at the ease and elegance that I recreated it for a party. I’d nearly forgotten about the countless omelets that succeeded the first until I ran across this rolled spinach omelet by The Smitten Kitchen. Perfect for New Year’s Day brunch. (Try making it vegan with an egg substitute!)
I cross paths with the non-profit MN SNAP (Minnesota Spay Neuter Assistance Program) in just about every volunteer activity in which I participate. MN SNAP is the provider of affordable and accessible spay and neuter surgeries to the pets of visitors to the pet food shelf, The Street Dog Coalition, several of the rescue groups with whom I foster, and just about every pet wellness clinic I’ve attended. They have a stationary clinic in North Minneapolis and provide affordable veterinary care to communities across Minnesota via their surgery clinic on wheels. Their mission is to end the suffering and unnecessary death of Minnesota cats, dogs, and rabbits due to overpopulation. Last year they completed 18,000 surgeries! Since 2010, they’ve completed nearly 195,000 surgeries, preventing nearly 8 million unwanted pet births. If you’re considering charities for your donation dollars, MN SNAP is a good investment!
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