3 Reasons Why Families with Teens Should Foster
I know what you’re thinking. You think I’m crazy! How could I possibly suggest adding one more challenge to raising a teen?!
I’m not crazy! We fostered dogs and cats through the teen years and came out ahead. Were there moments where we felt like a bottle of glue in a classroom of kindergarteners? Yes! That same glue, once cured, forged a tightly bound family and more confident kids with a solid set of job skills.
building job skills through fostering
Feeding, sheltering, and managing poop – the basic needs of pets- require a solid communication plan on who does what and when. Will teens complain? Of course. Will you have to intervene on occasion to ensure a cage gets cleaned or the dog gets walked? Yes! The repetitive nature of animal care, however, reinforces communication and time management skills.
It also develops the all-important job skill of “showing up.” While our kids sometimes revolted against the chores on the chore board, they concocted little argument against feeding the pets. One look at the pleading eyes of our four-legged creatures and their contentions became moot. My kids knew they were the keepers of the animals’ well-being.
Fostering also gave our teens a window into a wide variety of opportunities for employment in animal-related fields: shelter and rescue management, fundraising and finance, digital marketing and technology, online retailing, grooming, training, and veterinary care.
Fostering expanded their picture of employment possibilities beyond what they experienced at school.
molding mentally healthy kids through fostering
The animals you foster will most likely enter your home with fear and separation anxiety. Imagine being torn from the comforts of home and taken to a place where nothing smells, looks or sounds the same. They may be overly reactive or shut down from their previous experiences.
While you know you’re trying to help the animal, the animal hasn’t a clue about your intentions. You have to build trust- one action, one person at a time.
Our oldest daughter, Anna, always wanted a ball-loving dog. We thought flat-coated retriever, Margo, would be the one. Margo, however, had little interest in chasing a ball. It was foster dog Odie, the size and appearance of an arctic fox, that delighted Anna in games of fetch.
Her high energy and stamina were Odie’s therapy for fear. Odie became Anna’s outlet for endorphin-fueled laughter after a tough day of high school.
Foster dog, Poet, gave his trust to my youngest daughter, Mia. Her hip was where he’d snuggle when he needed reassurance. She was his lifeline. He became hers. His solid little body pressed against her leg steadied her against the tide of adolescence.
As the number of animals parading through our house increased, our ability to identify challenges and create solutions grew. This sharing of observations helped our kids identify their own struggles and work toward resolution. They became more emotionally intelligent and attentive to their mental health.
strengthening family through fostering
Ten-pound Poet looked like a Papillion crossed with a Holstein calf but acted like a greyhound with the zoomies. He loved nothing more than to sprint circles around Mia in the cool grass. Our unfenced yard, however, was a problem for a dog with reactive fear.
Anna became the solver of the Poet racing problem. She graciously lent Mia the 20’ lunge line she used for exercising horses. It allowed Poet to run with abandon and without our worry of him sprinting away.
I can’t say Poet appreciated Anna’s problem solving prowess, but I did. It was her creative spirit and depth of generosity that reminded me of her goodness during the difficult teen years.
You see, our family, like many, slowly drifted apart as our kids aged and interests evolved. Gone were the little ones who hung on our every word, followed us everywhere. Our malleable children were morphing into their own beings. As right as that was, it was unsettling.
Foster care kept us connected and talking.
Puppy mill Shelby was a true test of collaboration. She was an apricot poodle mix who’d spent the first four years of life in a small cage, producing litters like a farm animal. Her confinement left her unable to walk a straight line. Her kennel, the lowest in a stack of three, meant she was the recipient of dripping urine and feces from above. She stank. Her curls were caught in painful matts.
As we showered Shelby with baths and love, patience and time, we were treated to the magical transformation of a commodity animal into a loving companion animal.
April came to our home equally traumatized as Shelby. She’d been abandoned shortly after giving birth. Little stirred her soul. Not hamburger, eggs, or peanut butter. She’d walk without pep. Her sadness stirred our souls - until the day she caught Anna’s eyes.
I found the two of them locked in a stare-down contest, much like Anna and Mia used to play when they were kids. April won the contest, but Anna won April’s trust. Soon after, the little Shih Tzu mix would curl tightly into the lap of anyone willing to engage her in her game.
When Ron and Debbie sat at my kitchen table, alternating between April on one lap staring into the eyes of the other, I knew in my heart they were the right adopters for her.
Our scrapbook of dog photos and adoption profiles grew thicker as our kids grew older. Every so often we’d nestle on the sectional, a fire crackling in the fireplace, turning pages, wistfully remembering the challenges and the joy.
the realities of fostering
A family snuggled together sounds lovely, right? It was, but we (with a lot of “me”) had to work for the reward.
The first reality of fostering is that someone has to be the CEO, the leader, the project manager - the one willing to oversee the safety and wellbeing of the foster animal. You may have to step in when others “fail” to help – whether by intention or by accident.
How to Foster a Dog by Rescue Dogs 101 provides seven things to consider before fostering. Step 1 is a quiz to help you determine if you are ready to foster.
(Item number 6 is often a moot point with most rescue groups that have a foster program. They usually provide all the food, supplies and medical care. In 13 years of fostering, I’ve rarely had to pay for anything other than to spoil a foster pet!)
The second requirement for fostering is the leader must set reasonable expectations before planning and assigning roles.
Talk to your teen. What are they willing to do? What can you reasonably push them to do? What are the negotiated consequences for not following through?
Talk to your spouse or partner. How much and what are they willing to do? Don’t expect your spouse to clean the litter box if they expressly say they won’t. Set them up for success as much as you set yourself and kids up for success.
Research the needs of foster animals. Can you nurture them in a way that supports their healing and growth? Can you provide consistency in feeding and loving? Do you have a plan for waste - a fenced yard or safe neighborhood for walking a dog, an out of the way place for a litter box?
Look inward. Fostering is a choice that WILL add demands to your day. What healthy activities will you do for self-care? Yoga? Walk? Talk to a friend?
One of my go-to resources whenever fostering, or life, gets tough, is Dr. Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion website filled with guided meditations. Taking six-minutes to listen to a soothing voice can reset my attitude or help me to sleep!
To win at fostering is to lose. The whole goal of fostering is to find a forever home for the animal in your care.
The third requirement for fostering is the management of grief. Yes, that’s right. To win at fostering is to lose. The whole goal of fostering is to find a forever home for the animal in your care. The dog, cat, rabbit, bird and so on with whom you’ve bonded will leave your home for another.
I hadn’t thought about loss until after our first win. While I was excited about foster dog Betty’s adoption, the girls were devastated. “I hate you” was the arrow they used to pierce my heart.
I would have stopped fostering to avoid their grief and the stress it added to our relationship, but that would have served no one – not the animals waiting in a shelter nor our family.
Instead of avoiding grief, we learned to face honesty head on. While there were bumps in the road, we eventually became better communicators. We learned to talk so people would listen and listen so others will want to talk.
Fostering strengthened our intuition, our gut feeling, what we felt in our heart. When the right adopter came along, we could more easily say goodbye.
Fostering grew our community. We met other foster families and formed friendships with adopters. We even pet sit, on occasion, for some former pups. “Camp,” as we affectionately called it, became our way to reconnect with a beloved foster.
I also learned that my girls loved fostering as much as me. How do I know? Two weeks after a dog went to a forever home the “I hate you” would turn into “Mom, when can we foster again?”
fostering is not always easy but the reward is worth the effort
Set reasonable expectations and you won’t be disappointed.
Plan for problems, and you won’t be surprised.
Embrace the challenges, and the surprises will delight.
Each small fostering success will help build a stronger family foundation and emotionally healthier kids who are better prepared for the workforce – all while saving a life.
That’s a lot of win for a little bit of crazy.