The Yin and Yang of Letting Louie Leave
And resources to help if my foster win & loss triggers your pet loss grief.
My heart caught in my throat as I lifted Louie into the top-loading carrier. His legs spread wide, resisting any effort to be confined. “I know, I know,” I soothed for him and for me. Louie hadn’t set foot inside the blue box since the day I transported him home from animal control. He had none of the enthusiasm for it as did my previous fosters. I had treat-trained three monkey-like kittens to sprint to the carrier and leap inside so they could be transported to the screened porch for “outside” time. Louie was uninterested in any attempts to coerce him into carrier compliance.
His continued disapproval with short mews and guttural grrrs tugged at my soul for the 50-minute drive to his new home. I had no reservations about his next family, well-versed in the fine art of slow introduction of new cat to strange home and resident feline. No. What got to my heart, like it does for every adoption, was knowing Louie will face another transition, another upheaval, and days, weeks, and months of building trust. “Yin and yang,” I consoled myself.
I set the carrier on the carpet of the spare bedroom with an expansive window spilling soft northern light. Three adults, who had lowered themselves to Louie’s level, held their breath as I opened the door. Louie walked out with confidence. He nosed Kim’s outstretched hand and rubbed his head quickly against John’s knee. He then meandered to the furthest corner under the bed, completed a few circles, and settled into observation mode. That is, until curiosity got the best of him. He was soon sniffing his food dishes, walking through the litter box, jumping on the furniture, and stalking the perimeter. When he came to me, I hugged him one last time, scratching his chin and cheeks. I grabbed the cat carrier and walked out of his life as quickly as he had entered mine.
Fostering is funny – not a haha funny but more of a curious, weird, oscillation between bitter and sweet. First I experienced joy stoked by a family smitten with their blue-eyed cat, the lightness of less responsibility, and the pleasure of another matchmaking success.
Then came the sorrow of an empty safe room. No yowls of attention coming from the other side of the pet gate. No deep purrs of a cat indulging in affection. Categorized as “ambiguous grief,” I mourn, not death, but the loss of a healthy cat to a happy home.
I was recently introduced to the term “disenfranchised grief” through a podcast by Erica Messer of Wolfie’s Wish. Disenfranchised grief is not recognized or validated by one’s culture whether that is one’s family, friends, co-workers, local community, or community-at-large. My life with animals has been lengthy. My circle of people is such that they understand and support me. I know intellectually that not everyone has that luxury, and I’ve been lucky. I also know that grief is grief. It needs support regardless of its origin or definition.
WHY I FOSTER EVEN WHEN THERE’S GRIEF
I get asked all the time why I continue to raise my hand to fostering when I know I’ll have to face loss and its aftermath. I have two ready answers.
An empty space in my home means I can save another life and help ease the burden many shelter workers face from overcrowding and the rising trends in euthanasia.
A successful adoption means successful matchmaking. Someone is falling in love. Here’s a picture of Louie settling in! My worry about his transition was warranted. It has taken him a week to adjust to his new surroundings in the safe room. He’s briefly met the resident cat. He’s had a few adventures to explore outside the safe room, always being returned to the room so he can find comfort. He’s purring like a machine, leaning into petting, batting at toys. Time and commitment are great healers.
A recent conversation with a coworker helped me to remember a third reason why I foster; my experience with grief helps another foster manage theirs. My coworker was struggling with the letting go. We talked at length about her anticipatory grief and that of her husband’s. I shared my own worries, my fears, my process of moving through grief to embrace the many joys. A week later, she floated down the hallway wearing a smile like the Cheshire cat after she shared with me her fostering success and several photos of her cat settling in.
There is always light. If only we’re brave enough to see it. If only we’re brave enough to be it. – Amanda Gorman
PET LOSS RESOURCES
The Pet Loss Companion team of Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio and Nancy Saxton-Lopez created a lengthy list of videos addressing pet loss and grief topics. Their About page on Substack has a link to a free pet loss support meeting on the second Tuesday of every month.
Wolfie’s Wish also hosts virtual support groups and self-paced courses to navigate and understand emotions after pet loss.
Believe in Dog podcast with Erin Scott explores pet loss grief in many forms and with a variety of experts and people experienced with pets.
The Pet Memory Shop has an extensive list of pet loss hotlines and phone support.
Dr. Katie Lawlor founded the Pet Loss Doctor Instagram site. She has many resources and ways to connect.
Letters from Therapy by Kate Harvey on Substack hosts a variety of meditations and mindful exercises to help you recenter and find calm. (Scroll to the bottom of the page for the guided meditations. You might find something else helpful along the way.)
Pets Are Family by Erika Sinner is a book dedicated to pet bereavement and the movement to make it recognized in the workplace so that employees may feel supported and take time to heal. If you agree, please take a moment to sign the Pet Bereavement Leave Advocacy Petition.
What resources have you found helpful when you are grieving?
Additional posts to help with grief.
Thank you for doing the great important hard work. And I loved all those resources at the end. I’m wondering if you have that in the written version I’m assuming you do I haven’t looked at it because I’m busy gluing! Video would be cool to see some of the rescues you foster. Thanks so much. Have a beautiful day Cindy.
Beautiful post, Cindy. I admire you for what you do to save animals. I wish I had your strength and courage, but I know how difficult it would be for me to let fosters go to their new homes. And thank you for sharing the coping with grief resources. I've lost five rescue dogs and am grateful for my two new rescue chihuahua mixes, but my grief for my lost loved dogs can still overwhelm me. I would never trade one minute of time with them, though, so the grief is just the price for all the gifts of their wonderful selves.